I dedicate this post to my friends Manoj and Yamuna, Hari and Hema who recently became parents and enjoying their parenthood..

Congrats guys...!

Few words of wisdom/caution to you :D

Aren't they cherub while their eyes are closed and a smile or grimace adorning their lips at hospital cradles?  They are.. That's where these little angels sleeping 20 hours, make their plans for the next few months.  I failed to miss that thoughtful look in my son's face when he was in the hospital bed soon after he was born.  I thought he was just a baby. But underestimated what "just a baby" is capable of doing, once he reaches his haven.

A little addition to your family, your child has the power to make you too damn happy one minute and go out and ram your head on the wall the next.  For those who keep quizzing if they are doing it right and for the baby sitters who doesn't get paid for baby sitting.

How to avoid ramming your heads:

  1. When they sniffle and twists their bodies, attend to them immediately, either they are hungry or they wet their pants.  If you do not attend to them immediately, you are in a soup.
  2. When they cry don't assume they are hungry, it can be hunger or tummy ache or they are cutting the teeth or simple they need a pat on their back and in need of a fart or a burp.  Farting and burping are not as simple to them as it is for us.  The unwritten Bible for mothers from time immemorial through out the world, insists on making their baby burp after their feed and it's not that simple.  At times, I have lied to my mother that Ani burped and put him on the cradle after a 15 mts haul.
  3. They are babies, they don't understand your language nevertheless don't try to insult or irritate them by changing your voice and think you are speaking in their language by coochie cooing them.  Just because you change your tone and talk in rhyme, it doesn't mean you talk their language and Yes! they laugh hard, not because they find it endearing but they find you funny.
  4. I remember buying a teether and rattle for Ani.  I bought it because I liked it, and thought mickey mouse and donald duck are kid's favourites. When I brought it home, he let out a screech and threw it on the floor.  I looked at him with a stupid expression and tried to thrust it again the next day and he did the same.  He didn't like it period and he showed his anger by searching for that toy and pee or do potty on it.  Still couldn't understand his hatred for those toys.  Better take the baby to the shop and buy whatever he reaches for.  Mostly they like spoons, plates and their jarring noises... *rolling my eyes*
  5. Don't take it to heart or take it personal when you carry them on your shoulders and miss a step while you walk.  I bet they love that missed step and they laugh and laugh, till they hiccup.
  6. Your heart goes to them, when they smile ain't it? You feel pained and miserable and know not what to do, when they cry, right?  Remember they have mood swings too and till they start crawling or walking and they are dependent on you and you should keep them engaged. 
  7. Don't try to make them go to sleep, when you feel like sleeping.  Better you catch up the sleep when they are sleeping.  Take turns in watching the baby.  Make sure there is a "night watchman" on purview.
  8. Now you have lived with your baby for 6 months and gained some wisdom. Remove the breakables and expensive things to higher platform and leave the lower quarters bare.  Avoid glass or crystals at homes, pack them and put them in your loft for better days.
  9. Yes! they love to visit your uncle, but don't trust their innocent smiles the way I did and let them wander free.  You might get involved in a conversation, forgetting its not your home and there could be glass wares in that house.  One moment Ani was there and the next gone... My mom smelt Phenyle and we stared at each other for a second and we rushed inside along with my aunt and uncle where they had the floor cleaner.  We saw Ani inside the kitchen patting the floor full of glass and phenyle liquid and he looked at us and said out "dhu dhu" meaning milk. The Phenyle was kept behind the LPG cylinder in the kitchen and probably he thought it was milk and dragged it.   Thank God! he was not hurt by glass pieces and to my horror my uncle pointed out an acid bottle behind the cylinder.  I was shocked, cursed myself and grateful to god, took him to the temple immediately and did special prayers.
  10. They are mischievous brats, who bear with all your miserable lullabies; keep wake and when you go to sleep your energy drained, they start to have fun.  They think you are a mountain and climb on you and climb down.  Only that they forget they are on top of a cot and are dumb idiots and I heard Ani fall down and there was a huge greyish, greenish lump on his forehead and it was 12.45 in the night.  And Suresh and my brother Srini stood scowling at me.  "Are you a mother?" they seemed to say.  Little they know, how I had to keep my eyes clipped to watch him the whole morning, afternoon and evening.
  11. Think again if you dream that kids watch cartoons.  They don't till they start schools.  They love commercials and few film songs and you are in trouble once their favourite commercial ends.  They want them played back. They howl till the commercial is played again or probably an ant crawling in vicinity. Ants are good snacks for kids, you need not bother with boiled vegetables, they hate them.  You will find them squashed in unexpected places.  It can be shoes or below sofa cushions. 
  12. When they use walker and spot a pillar before them, they head straight to those pillars and want them to move.  If they don't it's not their problem, they turn to look at you HOWL.
  13. When they are silent, it means trouble in CAPS.  I am not going to tell you what they are up to, mostly 100 percent disgusting things.
  14. Don't pick the dropped items and hand it back to them.  You can be 100 percent sure, it will land on the ground and he/she would expect you to pick up and hand it back to you.  They are not bored, when it involves your physical labour.  It's their private joke on you.

Few handy tips:
  1. Buy a buckled swing and hang it on the living room facing TV.  Now you can do your chores quickly.  You got exactly 8 minutes.  
  2. Give news papers and it will keep them engaged for another 4 minutes
  3. Play with them, gently nudging their head with yours and you will have to do it for the next 10 minutes again and again and again until they are bored.
  4. Clown around them and pull a face and it will keep them entertained for another 20 minutes.
  5. A stroll, on their pram but with out a toy, can be their favourite pass time.  If you take a toy, then make sure you have a companion, to pick the toy from the road.
  6. If you want them to eat, don't put it on strawberry designed plates.  Put it on the floor and you can be sure they will eat with out a fuss.
If everything fails, have a duct tape handy:

For visitors who visit the baby and new parents:
  1. Johnson's baby kit is what we are reminded when we think of a kid.  But, unfortunately everyone think of them as perfect gifts.  Not to exaggerate, I still had a kit, when Ani was 8 years old.
  2. Laces and frills looks good but before you buy probably you think how you would feel wearing them.
  3. Go for toxic free light rubber toys and not heavy teethers and rattlers,  until and unless you have a particular enemity towards the new parents.
  4. You can buy baby utilities, can be little furnitures, a chest to arrange baby's dressers, a pram or stroller, or foot wear (3 to 4 set of booties), a nail clipper, digital thermometer, set of napkin pins.  A collection of small needs, which the parents may not find time to go and shop.   
  5. Please avoid huge teddy bears, you might find them cuddly, but for infants they look like real bear and would frighten them. And, NO NO for a remote car.  Suresh and I took turns playing with the car and actually forgot Ani for few hours.  We don't need diversions, if you can't help us, that's OK but please don't divert us from our duties.
But friends, I want to add I am not trying to frighten you.  I am stating facts.. Period!

Have fun Parenting! It's worth all the difficulties to see that one angelic smile in your child's face. Have a camera and a camcorder handy, don't miss to picture the funny faces they make, their first crawl, their first step and the loads of cheery, memorable moments.


Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard. Google

5 Candles:

A Blip said...

Good post viji :) Quite useful indeed.. I watched my sister parent and learned few of them.. And now after reading your post, my head is spinning like a top..Must say I have lot of points to keep in mind.. :D But before thinking abt all these..
I need to take the first step ;)

Viji said...

@krithi Thanks :) First step is important... let's hunt for a guy... so it's "Tall, Fair, handsome, good sense of humour, intelligent, most importantly multi talented, mundane guys don't me on :) plus he should respect woman... and love me like crazy"
That's a tall order woman... Let's see.. ;)
No grrrs please... sorry! I can't resist... I am trying to help you here dear :)

A Blip said...

"Grrrrrr..." I sent those in private :( Since u put it up on www, i owe u a grrrr. Btw, the list is missing a few more things like fluency in telugu, english and tamil ;) and other things which i really cant teveal in public..mayb i shud write a post abt it ;)

Viji said...

Now you are talking Krithi :) what else?

A Blip said...

lets talk in private... u ll need to sign a privacy agreement and a service level agreement saying u wud help me hunt this guy ;)

wisdom comes with experience

At one, I learnt crawling was fun. At forty one, I still feel crawling is fun #blamemykneesnotme